lost

     My life is picture perfect to the world, just to the world. I don't understand why I'm so sad, it's the first day of a brand new year. I married the love of my life in July, my life is good and yet I just feel lost. Everything I worked so hard to become has simply vanished before my eyes. There is a hatred I have for myself for letting myself fall apart. All the books and all the tips on how to love oneself don't help me at all. I want the girl I was back, I want my life back. Over and over I say that I must make a new normal but I don't want a new one, I want my old normal back. I'm so angry that I can't seem to have one fucking minute of happiness, I'm tired of being so grateful for everything that it desolves me to tears all the time. My life has been pretty crappy from birth and I just think I deserve a chance of having everything be good for once. I don't want to get married only to discover a week later that I can't work anymore and need major spinal surgery. AGAIN! That's right when I married my ex husband it was almost 2 months later that I had back surgery and we almost lost everything. I don't want to be someone's burden, I want to work and be a normal married woman. I want NORMAL for once!! My childhood was anything but normal and those scars are still with me everyday. I think having to learn to walk again sucks, it hurts all the freaking time! It would be so easy to just be, be lazy, be bedridden and say the surgery wasn't a success but I can't. I have to believe that all this crap has been put on my plate for a reason, that I'm suppose to do something with it. I just wish I knew what that was.... R~